Thursday, November 10, 2011

The End of the Waiting


Waiting is an interesting action. I've heard it appropriately said that everyone is currently doing it one way or another. Whether it be on a person,on a thing, etc. we all know the feeling of “Any day now...Please?” Waiting knows no time and even when we are waiting for the same things, we still don't have the same experience. I believe it was Henri Nouwen that said, "Waiting always, eventually, has an answer."  We just have to be patient for that answer.

In less than a  week, I will be volunteering in Northern Ireland, thus ending a waiting period of two years.  It is often hard for me to comprehend, that in 2009, I was lying on a couch trying not to vomit from the pain. Just wanting to sleep, just wanting to feel my left side, just wanting to be able sit upright for longer than 4 hours.

In my effort to find my place during those two years, my mood was never constant. It started out as depression morphed into “what can I do to be a better person as a result” and now at the end, I feel surprisingly mechanical.  Its a great mood to be in when your trying to get rid of things and pack, not so great when it comes to  conversations.
"Are you excited?"
"Not really."
"Are you nervous?"
"Nope"
"Well, I think your brave to do this after everything."
"Thanks...?"

I'm not brave at all. The question had just become, "What kind of life would I have led if I didn't get on with it?" I knew myself well enough to know, only one full of regrets and questions. One of phantom problems and self centeredness. One I would not have been proud to claim as mine. In my mind, that was worse than Chiari.

At the end, I am going with no expectations and, yes, in some ways unprepared, but I'm ok with that. If there's one thing I've learned these past two years it's don't bank on something until you are actually in the moment. Life can change in a matter of seconds. But when you are in that moment, be thankful to God for every second and aspect. After all you've been privileged to receive it in the first place.